Monday, December 24, 2012

Home for the Holidays



My daughter is home for the holidays. It has been four long years since we spent Christmas together as a family, and we have a lot of catching up to do in so short a time.

I remember the years when I was growing up in my parents' home, with my brothers and sister, and I was unaware they were among my life's best and happiest moments. We take things for granted when they are quite commonplace, but when they are no longer as such, we become willing to move heaven and earth to relive even just one moment of the lost glory and happiness. But, of course, what were then trivial, daily occurrences, have now turned into something impossible to obtain as the mythical eldorado and fountain of youth.

We lost my wife's mother and my own mom last year; and my brother Benjie this year. They are still home for the holidays, in our minds and hearts. We will, for our lifetimes, give tribute to their love for family and friends, and their zest for life, including their appreciation of small, simple, and genuinely wonderful things. They're forever at home in that most beautiful place and state we all aspire for. They've completed their journeys, while we are still plodding through.

We're going to make the most out of this time as a family, treat each day as special, not merely a sunrise to sunset thing. Life is so fragile and temporary.

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Brief Visitor


I had what was probably one of the briefest dreams of my life, that of my brother Benjie, last night. I was unsure at first whether it was a real dream or not; I thought it could have been one of those random thoughts and images that I usually have between wakefulness and slumber. But I woke up from it, and so concluded it was a dream indeed.


We must have been engaged in banter, judging by the expressions on our faces. We had smiles, and I had my right arm fully on his shoulders, pulling him close, almost like an embrace; something that I do only in instances when I have an unmistakable communion of heart and mind and soul with, or unmistakable love for, someone.

Could it have been really Benjie visiting me in a dream? He knew that I've always dismissed ghosts as laughable products of a hyperactive imagination. Mom also knew of how I stubbornly cling to my beliefs, and so did not bother visiting me. She didn't want to waste her time. Up until now, I wish I hadn't been so vocal with her concerning my relegating ghosts to the realm of superstitions. Then she would have paid me a ghostly visit. Benjie, on the other hand, probably couldn't care less if I believed his apparition or not. I was simply on his agenda of visits before finally departing to where he was destined to be.

When the six of us were kids, a most wonderful time in our lives (and not entirely an impossibility, since I was 14 when Bennett, our youngest, was born, and teens during my time didn't mature as early as the teens of today, believe it or not), we hadn't a thought about death and mortality. Of course, we knew people die, and we had kin who did pass on, like Dad's own mom who died in the early 70's. It had to be my first time to see him in tears, still very dignified but in tears, as he hastily packed an overnight bag to go to San Antonio, Nueva Ecija, more than a hundred kilometers north of Manila, his hometown and where Lola lived. Being the eldest, I accompanied him. It was the middle of the night. We took the family car, at the time a red, two-door, white top convertible Chevy Nova. His elder brother, Tito Danny, was with us, including (if my memory serves me right), his sister, Tita Etang, and Danny's wife, Tita Hermie. We stopped by for flowers at the Paco Market. Mom and the rest of the brood followed by bus the very next day. But like I said, we were kids, and a rosy, unfettered future lay ahead and beckoned.

Had Benjie known that his life would be somewhat brief, then he would have done some things differently. This is not to say that he did mostly regrettable things; we all have our share of them, it is unavoidable. But he could have been in a real hurry, and possibly became one of those child prodigies. Or he could have become a total wastrel, cowered in fear, and waited for his appointed time. He could have been totally different, perhaps obsessed with completing things as much as and as soon as possible. He could have decided that all those children's games we played were a total waste of his precious, limited time. I could have missed having my first real sibling, playmate, and friend. He could have missed out on the true essence of living.

Thankfully, life is a mystery, with secrets that, in my opinion, should remain as such. It has enough of it to make us feel powerless and resigned, precursors to approaching it either philosophically, or angrily and head-on. The former predisposes to a life well-lived, imperfect but well-lived; the latter, to one that is mad and self-destructive.

Again, we were kids, and I don't believe we could have conducted ourselves and thought with this level of sophistication. Our preoccupations were games and toys and all the other things children's dreams are made of. We lived life like tomorrows would never ever run out. I am so grateful that we saw life and the world through innocent eyes. Everything was pure and unadulterated. We gradually outgrew our innocence, of course, and were exposed to life's harshness. Love, however, life's progenitor and antidote, will be with us until the very end.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

"Benjie has left the building."


Let me borrow this leaving-the-building phrase from the fans of the late king of rock and roll. It was announced at the end of his concerts, and when the fans heard it, I'm sure they felt sad. Show is over. Go home now. But many of them lingered, hoping for an encore. Sometimes there was, at other times there wasn't. In both instances, the fans had hope.

My brother Benjie has gone. For good. We are devastated. We can linger, but there is no possibility for an encore ever. And unlike the king's multitude of fans, Benjie has only us, a mere handful. We miss him so, like fans miss the king. And some of the king's fans say he's not really dead, but in hiding, or in some sort of hiatus. The hiding and hiatus have been for quite some time now, I'm sure the king is entitled to be dead by this time. We can assuage our grief by saying the same thing, that my brother is in some hiatus somewhere, ready for a comeback at any moment, but we know otherwise, of course. He's never coming back.

I did not and do not miss the king. Mom did as she was a big fan. I'm not. But Mom took me to many of the king's movies, and I particularly enjoyed the one he made while doing his mandatory tour of duty in Europe in the late 50's or early 60's, "G.I. Blues." And, oh yes, how can I forget "Clambake"? I can say now with certainty that early on I exhibited a penchant for sun, sea, and sand. I never managed to live the dream, though, and today the nearest-to-my-domicile, passable mercury and dioxin levels-beach is some four hours or more drive away. Life.

I'll miss this guy Benjie for sure, our king of comic relief. He always had a funny thing or two to say. We grew up together, played, fought, and roughhoused. We enjoyed the same cartoons, and Godzilla movies; ate the same candies, and sometimes got a good spanking together for our misdeeds. We shared things with each other, but at times selfishness took hold and we kept things from one another. We were kids, and kids play out the entire gamut of adult behavior. But his selfishness was kid stuff, and he grew up to be a very generous person.

We had steel bunk beds. I occupied the top, and he, the bottom bed; the rationale being he was younger and so could fall from the top bed. I was acrophobic and I was assigned the top bunk. Just sweet. Our bunk beds doubled as indoor playground equipment: Sometimes it was our playhouse, and we hung a blanket on one side. The bottom bunk was the house, of course. At other times, it was a bus, and instead of a blanket, we had imaginary bus seats and passengers. We alternated playing bus driver and bus conductor, with the driver always focused on driving and the imaginary road, and who also did maintenance work on the bus, using a pen or pencil, some old toys, or whatever, as tools; while the conductor barked the destination and called out to passengers: Quiapo! Quiapo! Sakay na kayo! Children were more imaginative during our time, I think.

We've had some differences, I'm certain, but I honestly can't remember any of them right now. We most probably agreed that they were insignificant and of no consequence, and therefore should be completely forgotten. This happens when you genuinely love someone. You suffer from an amnesia of sorts with regard to the loved one's faults. I believe I had a greater number of faults, and so Benjie had a more serious case of amnesia.

A well-meaning person told me that my brother is now home with God. I was tempted to reply that Benjie should be at home with his wife and kids instead! I was only tempted. Life has a lot of unanswered questions. I actually tried wangling a deal to extend Benjie's life by praying each day that I be taken immediately, with my remaining years given to Benjie. I'm in pretty good shape and the additional years could see his kids through their adolescent years. But it doesn't work that way, I suppose. At least I tried. It wasn't something whimsical; I genuinely wanted it for my brother's sake. He would have done the same thing for me.

Thank you for being a funny and strong pillar of our family, Benjie. We would not have wished for another son or brother in your place. You were always the perfect fit. You lived a good and full life, not in terms of material wealth, but in the wealth of love and happiness. You don't have a horde of shrieking, clawing, hysterical fans like the king, you only have a handful of very grateful people. Our gratefulness is till the very end. Our sole regret is your rather brief life. You could have kept us happy and laughing and in stitches for many more years. I pray that your children learn about you, how you waited for them sweet, little angels to arrive, and how much you loved them till your very last breath. I'm quite sure they have you in their hearts, and that they'll also be joys to the people around them.

I think we'll linger awhile, but you go on ahead. Don't even linger outside the building. Go as far away from it as possible. Go to where you deserve to be, to the wide blue yonder of timeless and infinite happiness, love, and peace. Uncover the secrets I also long to uncover someday. We'll be fine, or at least we'll try our best to be. We'll just stay here awhile, probably to compare notes on how you touched each of our lives, like brag about who you helped the most, who you spent the most time with, who you gave the most money and the best gift to, who you loved and who loved you the most. It can go on and on, and the common denominator after all the discussion is that you touched each and every one of us. An encore is not needed, Benjie. You've given the best performance of your life, and we're thankful to be part of the audience.


Saturday, November 10, 2012

Advance Directives


Lest I be misconstrued, I'm not actively seeking my demise, but I certainly will not go to great lengths to extend my life either. This world and life have only finite things to offer; everything is merely a novelty, becomes boring, breaks down, or runs out.

When I go, I hope it will be smooth and quick. I do not want to burden anyone. If my odds of surviving are quite nil, then just let me be. Don't even think of prolonging me. No measures out of the ordinary. Let me take my course. I've always shunned unnecessary expenditures. Absolutely nothing for something I would not benefit from. No exceptions. Spend the money on something else. Say, on a trip you've always wanted. Or on a new appliance. Yes, that'll be more useful.

If there is one Filipino tradition I hate the most, it's being dead and surrounded by gambling idiots, and noisy, chattering, gossiping people, who don't mean even an ounce of condolence. Keep me away from their kind, please. Keep the wake very short; or none at all will be better; I'm not some meat to be cured.

Bid goodbye to my lifeless body (or ashes) quickly. Those farewells are useless anyway. My soul (if I have one) won't be there. I have no clue where it will end up. Those who love me will feel genuinely sad, but I'm sure there will be those who can't wait to see me put away forever. To them I say, the feeling is mutual. It's only a matter of time. Put me underground the following day. If funds are available, turn me into ashes. Bury the ashes, or if you can, use it as fertilizer, and I certainly won't mind serving one, final purpose, no matter how insignificant it may seem. Beats rotting and worms.

Don't use those trite, run-of-the-mill quotes for my epitaph. Go over some of what I've written, and pick out a more imaginative line or quote, something more meaningful or profound that would create a good impression. I'm sure I've written one somewhere. Just my name will do if you can't pick or find one.

Don't visit my grave as often as you would want. Once a year, or even never, is fine. If you forget or don't feel like doing it, it's supremely okay. No need to feel guilty or anything of the sort. Carry on, move on. Life's chores and dreams await you. Don't waste time moping. I've done enough moping already. It wouldn't bring me back. I'll be fine wherever I'll end up. I promise. Who knows? Maybe we'll see each other again for old times' sake. Life and death are both unpredictable.


Friday, November 02, 2012

Integrity, Enjoyment, and Other Abstractions


Surveys seem to very trendy nowadays. They're almost everywhere: Malls, parks, theatres, churches, workplaces, planes, trains, buses, online; and for every subject imaginable: Preferred brands, popularity, poverty, opinions, sex, love, politics, happiness, hunger, finances, among many others. The power and persuasion of surveys cannot be ignored. Many a politician has ridden and won on the power of surveys. Surveys can shape our very lives. They can lead us to believe that we are happy and content, or are safe, hungry, lost, rich, poor, healthy, sick, desirable, benevolent, sane, or psychotic.


My workplace has not been spared. Do you perceive that your colleagues and management have integrity? Do you still find enjoyment in what you're doing? Or something to this effect. I always answer in the affirmative. I want to get on with what I'm doing, to browse news sites and answer e-mails, and do other things I'm supposed to do, and what I get paid for. Answering otherwise would require that I explain and qualify, but which I don't think will be understandable anyway.


You can't govern or lead based on surveys, if what you survey are opinions and perceptions. You have to do things right. Opinions may be representative of what people want or need, not what they are being given. You should never think you possess integrity just because a survey says so. People answer surveys either feeling wary and suspicious, or being polite, or both. Integrity is something you possess or don't; it's either 100% or nil. You know if you have it or not. It is like having a conscience, if you've ever experienced having one. Stop kidding yourselves.


As for the other abstraction, work enjoyment, it lasts only until the novelty of the job wears off. After that, one keeps the job out of sheer financial need, or the lack of other suitable, more appealing, and more generous options. You should notice the speed at which people jump ship as soon as better opportunities present themselves. Of course, there are the lucky few who work in jobs they really enjoy doing. They are the exceptions. The majority of us belong to the general rule. Do not tell me then, that you want me to have fulfillment. I can have that by getting laid.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

My Aries



During the time I lived and worked in the U.S., when I tried building dreams, I moved around in an '89 Dodge Aries. I bought it for something like $500, from an elderly couple in one of the typical neighborhoods in the San Fernando Valley, several miles from North Hollywood, where I stayed with my brother, Bennett.

It didn't look particularly attractive: Oxidized paint, tires that were almost like racing slicks, interiors that could use a lot of cleaning and washing, a dirty-looking engine compartment and engine, and a trunk I swore could have sheltered a family of squirrels comfortably - dirty rags, old and stained newspapers and magazines, dried-up insect bodies, among others. But no human bones. I originally wanted something more late-model, but it was all I could afford. I saw the ad for it in one of those classifieds newspapers distributed gratis in the laundromat where I did my week's worth of laundry.

Prior to purchasing the car, I did some homework, and discovered that it was a finely built car in its time, built to last and compete with foreign makes, counted on to save the then-moribund American auto industry. This could be the reason that when I turned the ignition to test drive it, the engine came to life at first crank, without any hesitation, puttering, or misfire. I drove it, I think twice or thrice around the block, putting it through its paces, listening for some unusual sounds, feeling for some strange behavior. There were none.

It had no airconditioning, so I sweltered during summer; and no heating, that during winter I had to use gloves given me by my brother, so I could hold the steering wheel which felt as cold as icicles, and at the same time wore the thick outdoors jacket given me by my mom. I left very early for work each morning, before the sun was up, and winter mornings are unforgiving to someone accustomed to the heat and humidity of the tropics. The interior was very cold, and I could see my breath. This phenomenon actually amused me, and I began using it as some sort of indicator as to how cold a particular morning was. The more I could see my breath, the colder the morning.

In the company where I worked, I had colleagues who treated their cars as extensions of their homes. They retreated to the privacy of their cars during lunch break, munching on food brought from home or bought at a drive-thru window, while reading a book, the paper, or listening to the radio. I immediately took a liking to the practice, being generally introverted. Or at least, this was how I saw myself. I brought my lunch each day, homemade sandwiches all the time, the monotony broken only rarely by the leftover Chinese style fried rice I made myself for the previous night's dinner with Bennett. Sometimes I had an apple, or a slice or two of honeydew, or a small bunch of seedless grapes, or some baby carrots. My drinking water was from home, too. I tried all the time to live frugally, miserly even. Whatever little I earned, I sent almost half of it back home to my family. Occasionally, though, I gave myself treats, like those budget meals at Carl's Jr., less than $4 for three soft tacos or a full-sized burger with fries, and bottomless soda! If I ever ate more expensive food, and at a more expensive restaurant, you can be sure someone else footed the bill, either my brothers Benjie or Bennett, or my sister Belinda. They were fully aware I have a lot in common with a guy named Ebenezer. Humbug!

Then there were the people whose homes were their cars. Bennett and I once did our laundry where they had new washers and dryers, and we chanced upon a sedan parked near the laundromat, its interior hidden by blankets and shirts used as makeshift drapes. The car doubled as a home for two homeless men. I'm not naive, and I knew about homeless people in first-world countries, but seeing them in the flesh was somehow different. It was jolting, actually. That had to be my first time. Soon afterwards, I saw more homeless and vagabonds, the ones stereotyped in many a film, with grocery carts containing all their possessions.

I had a regular, a white family of five, who frequented the same neighborhood supermarket in North Hollywood. I went here straight from work, to buy food for dinner. I missed my wife's cooking a lot, and attempted to duplicate some of her dishes from e-mailed recipes. I chanced upon this family as I sat in my car on the supermarket parking lot, while pondering on the day's purchase. This family was efficient. They alighted from their Camry like troops alighting from an APC, and headed straight for the two imposing dumpsters. Then with their long, mechanical claws, the kind you could buy from toy stores or hobby shops, they rummaged and sorted and sifted and clawed and picked and smelled through the dumpsters' contents, coming up with still edible stuff like fruits and veggies and bread and saltines and even chips and beef jerky. When I first saw them, it felt like when I saw those two men living in a car. Soon afterwards, I began paying them progressively less attention. They became part of the landscape, like houses, people, street signs, and contrails, which I knew were there but hardly noticed.

The car-bound men and the scavenging family became for me epitomes of resiliency, a trait exhibited on a national level in my country. Year in, year out, we are visited by disasters and calamities both natural and man-made, and we always bounce back. We are decimated at times, but the temporary increase in mortality is never a cause for concern. It is no match to the national fertility rate. The country is literally a baby factory, and to service the promiscuity and prolificness, I've personally seen birthing clinics every two kilometers or thereabouts in some really big cities and towns. The unemployment rate continues to be high, and where men's bodies and minds are idle, the sight of the female anatomy offers interesting propositions, with nary a care for its proportions, or health and hygiene concerns. I now clearly see the reason why the Catholic Church is so opposed to aggressive population control. It wants to guarantee that the Filipino race will never ever become extinct. It was and continues to be an easy and profitable race to subjugate, and Filipinos should never run out. It is doing the country (and itself) a big favor, and so all you antichrists out there (and that should include me in the category of those who oppose the Church) should repent while there's still time. No way. Up yours.

Or it could be that the Filipino is genuinely prolific, or has been psychologically conditioned to be so. I come from a big family of six children; my dad's siblings also had big families, some of them larger than ours. My wife, too, comes from a big family. Machismo and big families seemed to go hand in hand back then. Nowadays, due to continually worsening economic hardship, ignorance and indifference have replaced manliness. A one or two-child family seems to be the norm; three at most, and beyond this number most people tend to form harsh opinions: Too promiscuous or too indifferent or too stupid.

My Aries was a reliable chap; pulled me through it all. Never, not even once, did it falter. If it were human, then it would be most akin to my wife who has always been there for me. One of my daily prayers was that I be spared from any kind of breakdown or even a flat. I definitely couldn't afford towing services if I had a breakdown on the freeway. God and my Aries obliged. I survived a nasty Pacific storm on the freeway one very late night, when I had to report for work to take part in an off-work hours inventory of the warehouse and walk-through refs and freezers. There were several instances when I unavoidably drove my Aries into unseen, deep pools of accumulated rainwater on sections of the freeway, pretty certain that the engine would die out on me. But it never did.

On better days, and certainly with better weather, my Aries got me around Los Angeles and San Fernando Valley, to my job agency to claim my paycheck, to the bank in Alhambra where I remitted money back home, to my laundromat, my favorite 99 Cents Only stores, WalMart, and Island Pacific supermarket in Panorama City. I made weekly trips to 99 Cents for my groceries, to Island Pacific for Filipino food ingredients, and specially the gratis Filipino newspapers. I took a copy of each kind, read them at home or at the laundromat while waiting for my laundry. It surprised me that while abroad, I missed everything Filipino. On the internet I looked for photos of familiar places back home: Malls, streets, buildings, churches; I watched four-day old "Eat Bulaga" shows (Now back home, I never watch it.); in December as I drove home from work I intently scouted for houses with a "parol," and when I saw one, immediately concluded that its inhabitants were Filipinos. Now back home, I again take everything for granted, and I think it's human nature pure and simple.

I drove my Aries for its last, long drive when I moved from North Hollywood to Palmdale, to spend time with other family members, weeks before my return to the country. It was a pleasant trip. The long, wide, undulating stretches of freeways were something I took for granted for most of the time I was there. Now, as I was nearing my departure, I felt that I would miss them, unsure of whether I would have the pleasure of experiencing them again. Yes, maybe. Maybe never.

I left my Aries with my brother Benjie so that he could sell it. He e-mailed me some weeks after I got back home that he was able to sell it to an old lady. That car certainly would have served that dame well, as it did me. She wouldn't have had any complaints about it, except perhaps about food crumbs on the carpet. I was always stocked with boxes of saltines and at least a bag or two of nachos, which I kept in the backseat, ready to be munched on, to keep me awake and alleviate hunger pangs on the L.A. freeways and side streets.


Sunday, October 07, 2012

Unholies


I've lately been at odds with my religion, Catholicism. In my country alone, too many priests are being accused of being involved in sex scandals and other illicit liaisons and activities. Just a trifle too many for my comfort. A bishop was once accused of unwanted, sexually-implicit touching by no less than one of his staff. He denied it, of course, in full media splendor. Then he hied off to an undisclosed location in the United States, to let the heat dissipate, so to speak. Nothing came out of the incident; it died a natural death, like all news events not followed up. And this bishop is back, allying himself with a prominent lay Catholic preacher, who dons funny-looking, checkered clown suits, and holds the mike a la Tom Jones. I smell an unholy alliance between these two supposed religious and moral stalwarts. The bishop lends credence and the Catholic Church's recognition to the lay preacher's group, and I'm certain the bishop receives incentives that are to him heavenly, but not exactly from Heaven. The charismatic lay leader is an astute businessman, owns mansions and prime real estate, and presides over an empire of gullible followers, handkerchiefs with printed prayers on them, fans, healing oils, umbrellas, tees, etc., all in the name of The Almighty. He uses Bible verses as effective sales presentation, and the gullibles take them hook, line, and sinker. His style of leading is cultish, like Jesus himself, but I sense that he has a hidden, sinister agenda. His group's sheer numbers hold the Church hostage.

Some years back, a young, handsome Catholic priest was cited for public indecency. He was caught in the act by policemen, in his car, necking with a woman of his parish. I couldn't recall if the woman was married or not, but I believe it didn't matter. Her civil status had no bearing on the gravity of his sin. This story, too, died a natural death. Stories about priests and other men of God who fall into serious sin die natural deaths due either to people not following the events up, or the big bosses in the Church covering them up. The latter happens more frequently now.

Then there was this healing priest, whose famousness ranged far and wide. I had respect for this man of the cloth, until an equally famous journalist, who probably was disillusioned as I am right now, produced a short documentary on this priest. His lifestyle looked as if he renounced his vow of poverty: He was living in a condominium with a view of the world-famous Manila Bay sunset, furnished with expensive antique furniture; and went around in a chauffeured Mercedes. After watching that documentary, I vowed that if I should ever become afflicted with a debilitating or terminal disease, I would prefer going to a witch doctor than to this priest. Whatever became of him, I don't know. Even if he lost his following because of the documentary, I'm certain he could live very comfortably until The Almighty Lord takes his life away. But I think the story died a natural death, too. Most probably, this priest has become richer. The Catholic Church and its minions, by the way, are exempt from paying any and all forms of taxes.

More recently, a priest was in the news because of his involvement in the illicit ivory trade. Moreover, it was exposed that this priest escaped back to the country from the United States, where there is a warrant for his arrest, for seducing and engaging minors in sexual acts, two altar boys in the parish where he served for many years! The thing that angers me the most is that this farce-of-a-priest's superiors are attempting to minimise the whole affair, calling it a case of biased reporting and a move to put the entire Catholic Church in a bad light, a conspiracy hatched by no less than its enemies, the proponents of the Reproductive Health Bill. The sexually-deviant priest is allowed to retain all his priestly faculties, including celebrating mass, and consequently being in contact with altar boys. This priest belongs to a politically-powerful and wealthy family in his region. The story, I believe, has started dying a natural death, too, and I believe I'll live to see the day that this priest becomes a bishop.

It's only religion, I say. To hell with it. Ten years of Catholic schooling can't prevent me from bolting this sick Church. I relish the words of a Catholic nun who is pro-Reproductive Health Bill: When you die, you will not be before the judgment of these bishops and priests, but before the judgment of The Lord. Way to go, sister. Hooray.

I'm free from my religion, but my faith is intact. Only now have I realized these are two separate, distinct things that went together nicely when I was still young and naive, but which became more and more incongruous in the light of religion's fallibilities and cover-ups.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Rose Garden


One ordinary, lazy weekend afternoon, as my wife and I talked about plants and vegetation and greenery, my thoughts suddenly drifted to memories of my mom's rose garden. Memories have an uncanny way of intruding into consciousness at the oddest hours and via the most ordinary stimuli.

When the family moved into its own home in Las Piñas in the early 70's, in what was then a sleepy, rural town south of Manila, famous for its salt beds and a church organ made of bamboo, and where one could still see rice fields and grasslands and open spaces, Mom discovered she had a green thumb.

The original house, before it was expanded in 1976, was a small, boxy, two-bedroom affair, but with a rather large lot compared to today's working class houses. Dad, the son of farmers, had a knack for growing vegetables, and so on one side of the lot we had kalabasa and sitaw; at the back we had kamatis and talong. On the lot's other end we had an atis tree, a calamansi, and two prolific trees each of papaya and kamias.

Mom's domain was ornamentals and, naturally, the lot's front was hers. Our front lawn had the nicest, luxuriant grass, similar to what can be found on a golf green. We had an interesting dwarf palmera near the garden tap; two dwarf coconut trees on the left and right sides, a row of santan and a shrub with a name I can't quite recall, with leaves that turned white at the edges, as if they had been painted. And then there was Mom's rose garden.

It occupied a rectangular plot in front of the house, and was about five meters long and a meter wide. A rather small area, admittedly, but during its heyday it teemed with some of the most beautiful red and white blooms. Mom obtained the plantings from kin, with some tips and advice thrown in. The rest was natural ability, which surprised many, including Mom herself, I think. The rose garden turned my brother Benjie and I into celebrities on the school bus. The girls we rode with would often request us for roses, pleading with us for Mom's beautiful blooms. We naturally didn't want to disappoint them and, riding on the wave of our newfound popularity, cajoled Mom into letting us pick some of her prized reds and whites.

Mom took good care of her rose garden, spending many afternoons removing weeds, loosening the soil, and plucking dead leaves from the stems. She also kept a sharp eye out for pests, always preempting them thru careful detection of their telltale signs. Afternoons was when Mom worked in her garden. She always donned work gloves, and used a trowel and shears. While she went about her business, Benjie and I would play on the grass, usually wrestling each other, or playing catch-me-if-you-can. At other times we would just be near Mom, like chicks to their mother hen, and helped her prune her roses when she asked us to.

Benjie and I have the clearest recollections of Mom's rose garden, as our other siblings were very young then. We are from the Popeye, Beany and Cecil, and Gumby era; our younger siblings, from Sesame Street and Voltes Five. They had no idea then who Godzilla and Mothra were, and probably thought The Green Slime was the ectoplasm in Ghostbusters.

The time of Mom's rose garden was the time I was becoming more aware of our own little world: Mom tending her blooms, us children whiling our sweet, carefree time by endless play; Dad getting home from work, and then the family having dinner together. Over steaming rice and Mom's delicious dishes we had a very fluid agenda. Dad talked about office events and gossip; Mom, about what she did at home and, neighborhood gossip. I wanted to talk about my school bus crushes but never dared to, and so told Mom that I had additional requests for her blooms. Benjie listened and seconded anyone when he felt like it; Benson had a timid appetite and would only take in a morsel or two. He regularly dozed off at the dinner table, exhausted from the school day. Belinda loved veggies at an early age, and was Dad's and the family's little girl. Brian always had a good appetite! He sat to my right, and between us were the drinking glasses and the Magnolia Milk bottles or the plastic orange juice containers of ice cold water. We were the water boys at dinner.

Routines. We lived them day in and day out, never realizing, until now, that they were in fact some of the happiest moments of our lives.

Saturday, September 01, 2012

Sorry, Jesse.


I must admit, Jesse, that I lumped you with all the politicians I hate. I hate them all, politicians and lawyers. They make life complicated and miserable for a lot of people.

I didn't know you. I'm not a Naga native, nor have I ever been to Naga, or ever cared about it. You and your Naga and your history were totally outside my collective consciousness. "Naga" was a name from way, way back in my grade school days, as an obscure place from Philippine social studies. If you presided over the place at one time, and life for its inhabitants became better, then you must have taken something from it in return. That is how things have always been in this country, right Jesse? Give little things and then take back a multitude. Ask people and firms to donate trash bins and paint, use the paint to paint the trash bins and letter your name on them, donate them to the town or city, have your picture taken during the turn-over ceremonies, making sure not to miss your wide grin and you pointing to the donated trash bins, and presto! A free, effective PR opportunity equivalent to at least a hundred votes for your re-election! Do this thing many times over and the whole town or city will vote for you.

Or you can let the roads rot for years in your town or city, let motorists' disgust and tempers simmer, convene the council well before the start of the campaign period which carries a ban on public works and construction, order truckloads of overpriced, inferior quality asphalt, overlay the rutted roads with it, put up billboards with your big photo and name on them: "Mayor So-and-So, in coordination with This-and-That agency, has made possible this project for the beloved constituents of This-and-That town or city." Just a few days of rain "melts" the asphalt overlay, but the billboards are so durable they can withstand an IED. Laudable.

I lumped you with these imbeciles, Jesse. I'm so biased against your kind. You were a politician. You played politics. I now see that you played it differently. A bit unorthodox, but effective and endearing to a lot of people. You hit it right on the mark.

But Fate is cruel and unkind. Death took you away and you've left us behind. You did wonderful things that gave hope to a lot of people. You showed the way to fresh starts. You could have led those starts yourself, and a whole lot more, but many genuinely good men get plucked early from life. I don't know why. It's a question for philosophers to answer.

I think the hundreds upon hundreds of people who believe in you and hold you dear can't be wrong, Jesse. There are those who remain unconvinced or don't care. They don't matter now. But I WAS one of them, and for this I'm sorry, Jesse.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Scavengers


Lately, I've noticed that storm surges have become more frequent along Roxas Boulevard, fronting Manila Bay, especially the area from the Manila Yacht Club up to the American Embassy. Most noticeable in these surges is the trash that get washed up ashore. Tons of them each time. Collectively, they may rival the tsunami debris from Japan's earthquake last year.

Ours is a tsunami of garbage, that poses as serious a threat to life as the storm surges on which it rides. While the surges damage and breach large segments of the seawall, the tons of trash are a national shame. They carry filth and disease, and mirror our wanton disrespect for the environment. Curiously, almost unbelievably, atop the floating, almost solid flotsam are scavengers, blending in with the garbage, like chameleons. These people have elevated scavenging to new heights, over and above a mere survival activity. In the native tongue, they are referred to as "mangangalakal," meaning "trader." They are businessmen then of the most daring kind, comparable to the most intrepid venture capitalist or investment banker. While the latter makes use of other people's money, risking to lose only their egos and reputations, the "mangangalakal" stands to lose his own life or limb should something go awry.

Scavenging is an industry in this country, as are ambulant vending and panhandling; the ubiquitous street food and fruit vendors on makeshift wheeled carts that dot every available space and corner; the "sari-sari" store every fifty meters or so in economically depressed neighborhoods; the barbecue vendors that seem to sprout during the afternoon and well into the night; these are the livelihood of a marginalised populace.

Do we recklessly dispose of our trash to sustain scavenging? I hope not. It can be a convenient justification though, but an immoral one. Scavenging must be difficult in a poor country like ours. I mean, we don't throw away TV's, fridges, computers, etc., as in developed countries. We have them repaired again and again, beyond their planned life. We don't throw away old clothes; they become hand-me-downs, or as donations to charity, or we just stow them until they are overrun with mold and rot, at which time we turn them into rags. What we throw away are almost totally useless scraps; but scavengers, with their sharp, discerning sight, still manage to find items they can salvage and sell, to keep body and soul together.

I'm a scavenger of dreams and things now, sifting through what other people and I have thrown away. One scavenges when the possibility to add to possessions is absent or dim. I went through a time of ambitions and realizations aplenty, considering them as my birthrights. Through a series of miscalculations, recklessness, and imprudence, I've lost most of my good fortune. I now take stock of my material remainders; there aren't much left, just enough to get by, enough to stay in the daily race to remain human, but not enough to be a glittering gem.

I seek solace whenever and wherever, in classical music after dinner on Saturdays; in my weekend afternoon naps on the floor, with memories from happier, better times intruding into that limbo between wakefulness and slumber, persistent, though not annoying, as the hum of mosquito wings near my ear.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Comedian On Leave


One of the family's comedians, my brother Benjie, is indisposed. I don't know for how long. He is waging an uphill battle against a malevolent disease, a disease that saps his spirit and dreams. From sparse accounts I get from other family members, Benjie, the perennial clown who takes every opportunity to practise his heaven-bestowed gift of making people laugh and be happy and consequently have a generally more optimistic take on life, has taken a leave of absence and become withdrawn and contemplative, and certainly very tired from his treatments.


I'm sure he has a lot of things on his mind, among them his wife and two very young children. It can also be surmised that he's thinking of the possibilities that lie ahead. Believe me, brother, the future for all of us is uncertain. No exceptions. Some of us may think that life allows us to see ahead and plan, whereas the truth is we cannot see ahead a minute or even a second from now. This reality is humbling. On close analysis, the things that make life worthwhile are love, hope, and faith. If you have just one of these (two or all would be best!), then you can bear life's vagaries. I'm very sure you have love.


I think of my brother very often nowadays, always returning to the times when we were growing up together. The PC, internet, video games were unheard of then. A blessing, I think, because we spent time playing children's games, including reciting lines from our favorite children's rhymes, and Japanese monster and scifi films: "O Kaka, O Kaka, San Fernandong wawa," "Chichiritchit alibangbang, salaginto't salagubang, ang babae sa lansangan, kung gumiri parang tandang," "The green slime are here! The green slime are coming!" (from the movie The Green Slime). I can imagine the smile on my brother's face as he remembers how we invented a game using these rhymes and movie line.


Simple games, yes, but they produced enough happy memories to last a lifetime. Moreover, the games of old had the finest ingredient, camaraderie, from which sprang forth sympathy, empathy, and caring. Very good for siblings and other people in general. Today's video and online games overwhelm with its technology, and leave very little for the imagination. I have to admit, a few years back I was briefly fascinated with them, preferring a game controller over reading a good book, leading my game character-hero inside an ominous-looking warehouse to blast every villain inside. The virtual blood, gore, and explosions gave me inexplicable thrill. The games catered to my dark, baser instincts. They may be enjoyed on-demand and alone, no fickle-minded playmates required. Online games? No real camaraderie needed. A common goal may bind you with other online players, but where there is only a common objective to accomplish, egocentricity and selfishness can't be far behind. No lasting, wonderful memories there.


There was a time when I was also a comic, quick to spot punch lines in the plainest of situations. But as I took life more seriously, I started becoming morose. It was life's ugly side that showed its best to me, the one with the failures, regrets, treachery, and pretentious people. The harder I struggled, the more distant my dreams became. Or did I actually chased rainbows?


But I'm slowly coming to terms with myself and reality. I'm seeing the futility of too much seriousness. Life is replete with too many unknowns. I'm at their mercy. I'm trying to bounce back, occasionally laughing at life's pranks and ironies, and at my own and other people's follies. This might seem cruel, but it's a quite effective way to deal with the harshness of my existence. If I can't get better deals, then what am I supposed to do? It would be difficult and futile to live the rest of my life sullenly.


My brother deserves this temporary intermission, if only to regain his bearings, to know where he stands; to focus on life's dearest things, without throwing in the towel.




Tuesday, August 07, 2012

Eternal Rest and The Monsoon


I didn't have to work today, the consequence of the annual monsoon taking on the proportions of a national tragedy. I'm old enough to recall that the monsoon season used to be an annual blessing, awaited to provide a respite from summer's scorching heat, and the promise of bountiful harvests for farmers. Now it's more of a curse, bringing with it relentless rains, floods, destruction, and death. Mother Nature is striking back, I think, after decades of Man abusing and neglecting her. And her fury cannot be restrained or contained.


My father-in-law, now a widower, is again experiencing the attendant inconveniences of a house submerged in flood. He is now temporarily displaced, staying with one of his daughters who lives nearby. The last time something like this happened was two years ago, when his wife was still alive and seemingly well. They went through the inconveniences together. I can't help but ponder on what could be going on in my father-in-law's mind, now that his wife of more than 50 years is gone, and he has to go through life's difficulties alone. My own father's situation is no different. He now has to go through life alone, without my mom's reassuring presence. These are two courageous men, able to move on despite their irreplaceable losses. I'm not certain if I'm made of the same strong material as these two. I could be. But they were soldiers of their time: My father-in-law was an officer in the Reserve, while my father was an Air Force jock. They're old school, born before the last world war; witnesses to human suffering, and the slow,, painful progression of life from the ashes. Underneath their strong, willful personalities is a rare gentleness they shower upon those whom they love. And in dealing with others they observe the tenets of fairness and unassailable integrity. They stock up on riches not of this world.


I, on the other hand, was born during a time of great optimism, strong purchasing power, and relative ease. My generation saw the rise of the service industry, essentially people doing things for other people, things too mundane or monotonous or messy. I never learned, and will never learn, to slaughter a live chicken for the dinner table, a commonplace skill of my two fathers. I am a spoiled brat compared to them.


The present-day curse of the monsoon, and life's other difficulties and uncertainties, are among the best reasons why I look forward to my "graduation," the term I use to refer to death. While most people view the subject of death as unsettling and unpleasant, and therefore a topic to be skirted in discussion, I look at it as an option to and a liberation from life's triteness. I've never entertained the thought of staying around for a very long time. There isn't sufficient happiness to go around here. Perhaps it abounds somewhere else.

Saturday, August 04, 2012

Happy Birthday, Mom!



It's my mom's birthday today. She would have been 73. This is the first time she isn't around for her birthday.

More than half of my life, I've spent away from my mom. They migrated to the States when I was almost 25, a new husband and father. After that, I saw her a total of three times before she passed away last year. Time flew really fast, and took with it the moments I could have spent with my mom. I kept procrastinating, kept thinking that plentiful time to spend with her was always available for the taking. I was mistaken, of course.

A loved one's passing away opens the eyes to the importance of seemingly trifling, everyday things, like sharing meals, a good laugh, fears, tears, and most important of all, time. I still have dreams, I guess, but they're much simpler now. They're more like getting from one day to the next, happy and in one piece. None of us will be around forever, and we can take along nothing of what we have, save for love and memories. And for some, even this is not possible, like when they die surrounded by the hatred and loathing of people they have mistreated and abused; or when they pass on while afflicted with dementia.

Two months back, I sent out e-mail invites to family and selected friends about my blog post and photos related to my Mt. Pulag climb. I sent one out to Mom. I have not deleted her from my mailing list. Never. I want to keep it this way. E-mail was just about the only way we kept in touch, and deleting her name would be quite difficult. I can easily delete other people's names, but not my mom's.

If I had gotten a reply to my e-mail, then that would have been wonderful. And initially mysterious, too. To other people, it would have been frightening. But not to me. Mom was a firm believer in the supernatural, especially ghosts. I believe she held the record for having seen the ghosts of all our kin who passed on ahead of her. Each time we had kin pass away, Mom was equally worried and certain, as she was sad, that the dead kin's ghost would make a stopover at our home on its way to the eternal beyond. And indeed there were many instances of these ghostly visits, if I believed my mom's accounts. Our dead kin's ghosts said hi to her at the most inconvenient times: Like when she went to the toilet to pee in the middle of the night; or when she was on her way to the kitchen very early in the morning to make breakfast, and she thought she saw the ghost of our recently dead kin sitting on the family couch, wearing his burial clothes. Terrific. After this episode, it was Dad who cooked breakfast, and this arrangement remained in force for the rest of their life together.

I often told her not to worry about ghosts bothering her, as about real flesh and blood humans out to do others harm, like robbers and muggers. And professional politicians, and those who simply play politics. I kept telling her there were no such things as ghosts, and that when people die, their souls are not permitted to terrorize those who still survive; that a quick judgment is handed down a few hours after death, and the soul is swiftly dispatched to its eternal destination. But Mom would have none of these. She clung to her beliefs with enviable tenacity. And while she was deeply religious, she was also steeped in superstition and ritual. I think she embodied the Filipino psyche well, and it is something that I can be proud of. I think it is this mindset that endows Pinoys with their renowned resiliency. It could be one of the reasons (the other being our continuing love affair with slapstick humor) why we do not have (not yet, anyway) incidences of people going to movie houses, campuses, and workplaces, to shoot everyone on sight.

And so it was that when Mom died, I was hoping that she was right about the ghost stuff. I longed for her to pay me a visit, to say hi before she took off to her eternal beyond. I waited for anything unusual or supernatural, like the sudden waft of flowers or a candle going out, or an apparition in a darkened corner of our home, or maybe even in a dream. I waited in vain. Mom never paid me a visit. I was right about ghosts not existing. I was actually disappointed. It was one of those instances when I actually wished I was wrong. Mom probably grudgingly conceded defeat, but at the same time, was relieved and thankful that she didn't have to pay the customary ghost visits to family and kin. Mom's and Dad's families are quite big families, and it would have taken her some time to pay everyone a ghostly visit. It's different when you're on the visiting end, hey, Mom?

And then, again, if I had received a reply to my e-mail, I would have suspected, after a brief period of incredulity, that my brother, Benson, was playing a prank on me. I'm quite certain he assisted Mom with setting up an e-mail account, and if Mom didn't bother changing the original password, then Benson, one of the family's comedians (the others being Benjie and Bennett), would have found the perfect opportunity to practise his craft.

Here's a toast to you, Mom!

Saturday, June 02, 2012

Found: Glimpses of Heaven





I finally climbed Mt. Pulag last May 26-27, after months of dreaming it. My resolve was made stronger when Mom passed away late last year, and after numerous personal setbacks. I'm still on my emotional rollercoaster. I've noticed that the more turbulent and despondent my life becomes, the more committed I am to doing foolhardy and risky things, testing my limits and tempting fate. Could a similar circumstance be behind those men who always crave to be on the precipice, with death just a few miscalculations away? We look at them with awe and admiration, and yet if their inspiration is no different from mine, then we should empathize with their misery. I'm entirely on my own, though, and I want neither sympathy or empathy. Whatever I do is my own decision, and whatever sad and ugly consequences I create, I must suffer alone.

*****

The trek on foot was steep and long and arduous. It gradually became apparent that I was a bit overconfident of myself. I was often running out of air. In the lowlands I'm in great shape, but high up there in the mountains, it's a different story. The option of quitting became attractive at times, like some ravishing devil offering me the pleasures of letting go. But I persevered, partly because this whole affair of a climb was a long-time dream, and partly because of encouragement from my kindred souls, for whom the climb was not just some sort of a jaunt up the mountain, but akin to a spiritual pilgrimage.

*****

We set out for the summit at about 3:30 Sunday morning. The cold was biting. In every direction one looked, it was dark, except when one gazed upward: An almost unimaginable dome of hundreds upon hundreds of stars! They didn't twinkle as much as in the lowlands, and in the crisp, pure air, they were more like blobs of light. It was the first time I had seen so many stars. Those stars alone would have been sufficient to make the climb worthwhile, but there was the summit to reach.

*****

We trekked on rocky, muddy, slippery, and bone-jarring trails. In some parts, the trails were narrow enough to make me feel like I was trying to balance myself on a wooden plank. Others were precipitous on either side, their abyss hidden by the darkness.

We walked single file, and the lights from our headlamps and flashlights reminded me of a scene from a movie about explorers in an inhospitable and forbidding alien landscape. All the while I could see the mist from my labored breathing partially obscuring the beam from my flashlight.

*****

I was fortunate enough to belong to the second group that reached the summit before the coveted sunrise. The first group broke away at a continuous, blistering pace; too much and too fast for my lungs unacclimatized to high altitudes. I wondered how they adjusted so quickly and well. Or was I experiencing the limitations of my age?

Those who left camp last, and who were likewise bogged down either by physical limitations or the challenges of the trails, or both, had to content themselves with awaiting the sunrise on the lesser peaks of Mt. Pulag. However, if not only for the certain pride you feel on reaching the summit itself, the view from the lesser peaks was of the same undiminished magnificence.

*****

When I reached the summit, I sat on wet grass and ground. That act of sitting, with its attendant heave of a sigh, was relief unlike any other, after the long, labored ascent. It didn't matter that the ground was muddy and wet, I just had to sit down.

Waiting for the sunrise was, I felt, like waiting for a miracle to happen. Some set up elaborate camera equipment. Others, like myself, had cellphone cameras and ordinary cameras. Some were standing, and others were seated. I alternated between standing up and sitting down, trying to decide which provided the better perspective. Thinking back, I realized that when one is on the summit, there was only one perspective to one of life's most spectacular views.

*****

Then the miracle slowly unfolded. First, a hint of gold on the horizon, above the rolling, puffy clouds. It gave hope. Then, slowly but surely, guided by unseen hands, the curtain of full splendor was raised. The hint of gold grew, with its long, slender arms, embracing first, nearby clouds, then on to more distant ones. It gave wonder.

The sun rose dramatically for all of us to see. It rose on its own terms, unaffected and unhurried by our excitement and impatience. Its pace was perfect. It gifted us with time to ruminate on why we so much wanted to be there. For the majority, it was only another summit to climb, another place to be. I had my own reasons. I was looking for something unidentified, without form or feature. I brought dreams with me, those still intact, and some already broken. I also brought along hope, this tenacious thing I sometimes despise, that makes me cling to dear life. I brought all these with me to the summit, for Heaven to see; perhaps to seek admonition, then mercy, then reward.

*****

The majestic sunrise was unstoppable. The golden, slender arms now turned into wide swaths of gold, and slowly crept towards us, bathing the rolling clouds, turning the grey into blue and white. The sunrise then held the summit and the surrounding peaks in its unmistakable warmth. It touched my face, momentarily looking at the dreams and hopes I brought along. It left me with inspiration. Then it went on its way to touch and hold other mountains, other souls.



Monday, May 28, 2012

Stanzas

My sister-in-law is getting married a few days from now, and my wife's cousins are preparing a video presentation to be shown during the reception. Each family is required to come up with a short video greeting for the newlyweds. I've just come back from a two-day mountain climb, and coming up with a video greeting is farthest from my mind. My battered body needs to rest. Family is family, though.

However, I've always looked at video greetings as a tired cliche, and I believe that most of them are forgotten after only a short while. Add to that is the fact that with a video greeting, it's difficult to see through a person's sincerity (or the lack of it). I prefer words. I prefer to write something for the newlyweds. I look at and treat words as remnants of a person's heart and soul. Words may lie, but to the one who is skillful in analyzing words, the lie becomes apparent and the real intent is revealed.

Obviously, for a wedding I have to write something about Love, and some of its idiosyncrasies. It's always been one of my favorite topics. Love and pain are two of my more or less constant inspirations. Could be my undoing, but what can I do? Here are the stanzas I came up with:




1

Love happens,
is unplanned.
Like the breaths I take, and,
in your absence,
my despondence.
Like my heartbeats,
their frenzy,
in your nearness.

2

Love consumes me.
Into oblivion,
I relegate the past;
Now and Possibilities
make up my dreams.

3

Love is my calling.
You are, of my passion,
the unwitting object;
you are, of my soul,
the dream.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

A Trade

Rather than go to waste,
With its wretchedness waylaying,
Or fall out of grace,
With trespasses damning;
A trade will save this soul,
Will breathe new fire
To your dying embers;
I'm done early, too soon,
Perhaps,
No more island oases
In my ocean,
I keep sail under starless nights,
The sea's heaving, a dull,
Deathly monotone.
My futility is your
New lease on life,
My darkness,
Your light.
My loves can, my absence,
Survive,
Would not, your bundles of innocence;
'Tis finality, 'tis the end,
'Tis my life,
Spent.



(For my brother, Benjie.)

Wednesday, May 09, 2012

Preparations

I'm gearing up for a mountain climb, hoping to find something up there, something life-changing, or inspiring; something to give me fresh hope, and meaning; something to banish the dark cloud of despondence. Will I?

If my wild side overtakes me, then I just might choose to remain up there, forever, above the clouds, majestic and serene; detached from the chaotic, filthy lowlands.

When I was 5, Heaven was a lot easier to understand. It was simply up there, following me wherever I went. It was so close and natural. I was naive. Five decades later, it has become abstract and, at times, questionable. I now equate earthly happiness with it, the happiness which is becoming rarer in my life.

The mountain may yet reveal something to me. It calls.

Tuesday, May 08, 2012

Angels





Very recently, I was the recipient of short home movies and photos from my brothers. They are my windows to their world, to their lives, to their happiness and laughter, amidst the fact that our mother is gone, and our father, the remaining pillar of our family, continues to advance in years and on to his date with his destiny; amidst the fact that one of my brothers continues to wage a difficult, uphill, draining battle against his disease. Even with my daily pleadings and prayers, a number of things are unstoppable.

For now, things are holding. Life goes on for them, and for us back here. The connections remain strong. These were forged from collective experiences, from many years of togetherness, from shared ancestry.

My nephews and nieces are all so beautiful. They're angels all. Life beckons to them and holds so much promise. They will probably know me only by name, through being mentioned in passing, or in some vague family tale. Whether they know about me or not is of no major significance. They are a part of me, and I wish them the best, and all the love and happiness this life can offer.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Keeping Dreams


I think I'll
stow my dreams awhile,
but I'll keep them close
in a safe place,
where, on a whim,
I can go over them,
like poring
over old photographs,
with a dull ache, regret,
and longing at times,
with overwhelming
emotions on others.

I'll pass them on to you.

They're never tired,
but I am, quite frankly;
some ends are loose and frayed,
but the luster remains,
is unfaded,

I'll pass on the luster to you.

I've lost the fire,
only survival and wisdom
remain, and the occasional
pining and ambition,
all day to day and short-term,
nothing grand, that I might be
disappointed tomorrow.

They'll never be
out of date or incongruous,
they've helped me through,
they've fetched me memories
both mediocre and grand,

I'll pass on the grand to you.

I'll keep them pristine
and ready, they're yours
if hope and courage you have,
if imagination and ideals
compose your days,
if you find magical the smell
of first rain meeting
scorched earth,
if you can find
gladness out of nowhere,
merely imagining
goodness in people,
if you yearn to be
on a mountain above clouds,
hoping for some
strange peace and joy,
if you will not squander time,
if you can give your all,

I'll pass them all to you.

Sunday, January 08, 2012

Secrets


In a way, I look forward to my own demise. I believe that when we die, answers to life's questions are revealed to us; those that nag intelligent and stupid people alike: Like, are heaven and hell real places? What is the design of the universe? Does it end in an edge somewhere, or is it curved, thereby imprisoning us in some sort of vast, magnificent sphere? Death is the great equalizer then. It reveals the answers to life's mysteries with whosoever it grips, whether interested or otherwise, ready or not.


This whole business of life is tiresome, and I look forward to other things. Here, it's either good or bad, virtue or sin, happy or sad, plenty or want, success or failure. Or is this the law of the universe, that even in the afterlife it's either heaven or hell? Is there no in-between bliss, a limbo of untainted joy?


When I finally go, I hope it will be quick and unexpected, with none of that prolonged suffering or drama or grief. I just want to get it over with.